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Machine Gun Kelly is opening up about his struggles with mental health.
In his new Hulu documentary Life in Pink, which premiered Monday, the "Papercuts" singer gives fans an intimate inside look into his life.
About halfway through the film, the star (born Colson Baker) — who's engaged to actress Megan Fox — opens up about falling into darkness after the death of his father in 2020.
"I flew to my dad's apartment to clear all this stuff out. I had this really weird interaction with this neighbor who told me all these things I didn't want to hear," he says in the film of his father, who died on the one-year anniversary of his Hotel Diablo album release. "That f----- me up even more because I couldn't get closure on it. I wouldn't leave my room and I started getting really, really, really dark."
He continued, "Megan went to Bulgaria to shoot a movie and I started getting this really wild paranoia. Like I kept getting paranoid that someone was gonna come and kill me. I would always sleep with a shotgun next to my bed, and like, one of the days, I just f------ snapped."
"I called Megan, I was like, 'You aren't here for me,'" he added. "I'm in my room and I'm like freaking out on her and dude, I put the shotgun in my mouth and I'm yelling on the phone and like the barrel's in my mouth. I go to cock the shotgun and the bullet as it comes back up, the shell just gets jammed. Megan's like dead silent."
The scary moment was a turning point for the musician, who says he realized afterwards there was something "not right" with how he was feeling.
Fox, 36, and Baker's 12-year-old daughter, Casie, also expressed their concern for him, he recalls.
"They simultaneously came at me with this like, 'I want to like, be able to see in your eyes. I don't want to like be talking to you through a veil anymore. I want to see you as my father and I want to see you as my husband-to-be,'" he says in the doc. "I was like, 'I need to kick the drugs, for real this time.'"
The star has been open about his ups and downs over the past few years. In December 2020, he shared that he was seeking therapy for his struggles in an interview with
"Currently, my drug of choice is happiness and commitment to the art, rather than commitment to a vice that I believed made the art," he said at the time. "I'm taking steps. I had my first therapy session last Thursday. That's the first time I ever went, 'Hey, I need to separate these two people,' which is Machine Gun Kelly and Colson Baker. The dichotomy is too intense for me."
In his new Hulu documentary, he also reflects on the positive impact Fox has had on him.
"Megan became like the sun to me — like the one that I revolve around and gives me life and like helps me grow," he said. "It's just like every fairytale that they never told you in school, that they never taught you. Like the passion between us is otherworldly. I know I've known her in so many other lifetimes."
The couple, who confirmed their relationship in July 2020 after meeting on the set of Midnight in the Switchgrass, got engaged in January this year and sealed the union by drinking "each other's blood."
Shortly after the pair got engaged, a source told PEOPLE that the engagement wasn't a shock to those who know them.
"They had been talking about it for a while," the insider said. "For those two, it was very much a love at first sight situation. They spend every waking second together."
Kelly also recently opened up to PEOPLE about the pair's relationship, and revealed their last romantic moment took place overseas.
"We slow-danced to Frank Sinatra in Italy," he said. But the last was probably sitting at a table and drawing each other the way that we see each other. It was just spontaneous."